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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27624014">The Light Behind Your Eyes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphistication/pseuds/sapphistication'>sapphistication</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Cuddles, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Finn Needs A Hug (Star Wars), Finntrospection, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, We appreciate Finn in this house even though we give him the occiasional panic attack, finn appreciation fic, mild panic attack, poe gives good hugs thankfully, poe is very appreciative of finn okay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:42:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,010</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27624014</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphistication/pseuds/sapphistication</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the new-found peace that has settled in the Galaxy, Finn finds himself struggling with his own role in it. As always, Poe is there to catch him and tells him how good he is.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Poe Dameron/Finn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Light Behind Your Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssrj_335/gifts">mssrj_335</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi. So. This was supposed to be sweet smut. Instead it has become a hurt/comfort piece with weird emphasis on the hurt. And if you know me, that figures. I'm kinda sad about it but maybe you like it anyway &lt;3 Let me know if you did, please let me know.</p><p>Title from My Chemical Romance: The Light Begind Your Eyes, join me on my quest to just name every one of my works after song titles/lyrics</p><p><strong>Fair warning:</strong><br/>Finn is struggling and tired and consequently has something resembling a mild panic attack and spiralling thoughts in the form of an existential identity crisis. Poe makes it better, of course, but if you're in a bad place right now, take care &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moment his ship touched the ground with a bit more force than necessary was also the first moment Finn allowed himself to take a deep breath and let it out in a yawn. <em> Stars </em>, he was tired! He usually loved diplomatic missions, loved the negotiations instead of drawn blasters, loved talking instead of battling. Empathy was his thing. He got to meet so many different beings, encounter species he had never seen and hear stories he’d never heard before. He got to be a part of this new system, of this peace. Had fought for it, now he got to have a say in it.</p><p>But he was so tired. It hadn’t even been rough, everyone had been very forthcoming and understanding of Finn’s proposal for a neutral party within the new Republic. Nobody had called the remnants of the Resistance a group of war-hungry anarchists this time, and Finn now had a data chip that allowed the <em> Old Resistance </em> administrative rights and neutrality.</p><p>They were free. The war was over. They had peace and Finn got to have a life now without trading one army for another. It was good. Wonderful. A success, and an important one!</p><p>But there was still that voice in the back of his head, vicious and destructive. The voice that resented peace, that made him feel lost without a war to win. The same voice that told him peace meant nothing if he spent it away from Poe on diplomatic missions, that wished for the war again only to get to share the adrenaline with Poe by his side. It was stupid and Finn always ended up resenting himself for thinking like this, for being egoistic like that.</p><p>It was this constant inner struggle, the voices fighting with each other inside his mind, that had him so tired and exhausted and devastated. How could he wish for a war when he’d fought so hard for peace? How could war and fighting be all he knew when that was what he ran away from in the first place? Was he running toward it now? Was he even Finn? Who was this Finn and who was <em> he </em>?</p><p>Fuck. Where was Poe? He needed Poe. He needed-</p><p>“Finn,” someone called from the ramp of the ship, and Finn jumped in his seat, turned around in apprehension for having been caught in his vicious thoughts again. But when he saw who it was, when the tone of voice registered in his tired brain, all the tension disappeared and he sagged in relief.</p><p>“Poe,” he breathed, tried to muster up a smile but didn’t quite manage it.</p><p>With a worried expression, Poe walked up the ramp and knelt before Finn, taking his cold hands into his own. Poe’s hands were always so warm and Finn wanted to cry from how much he missed those warm hands. He didn’t, but it was a close deal. “Are you okay?” Poe asked softly, searching his eyes.</p><p>Finn nodded, but his tired expression he didn’t even try to conceal betrayed him. He reached into the little box he’s been given and pulled out a small square plate. “I have the data chip. We’re safe. Everyone’s good, they can’t touch us for what we did.”</p><p>Poe nodded and a smile bloomed on his lips, a smile Finn had missed more than the warm hands. “I know, Finn. You’re the best. The absolute best, and I love you, and so does everyone else on this base. You saved us, again.” Finn shook his head and wanted to protest, but Poe pressed a kiss to his hands and nodded, a laugh bubbling from his chest. “Yes, you did. I suck at diplomacy. I would have blown the whole thing the moment they called us war-hungry anarchists. But you didn’t. Because you’re amazing, Finn.”</p><p>Hearing Poe talk to him, listening to his proud words, to his loving praise was better than getting a good night’s sleep, better than winning the war, better than being handed the promise of a normal life in the form of a small shiny data chip. Poe was better than all those things, and Finn with his fucked-up mind didn’t deserve him.</p><p>“I don’t deserve you,” was the one thing his traitorous, vicious, self-sabotaging, sleep-deprived brain made him say in the face of those open, dark, loving eyes, and Finn cursed himself for it.</p><p>“What?” Poe asked, confusion clear on his face. “Of course you do! Where’s this coming from?”</p><p>“Nothing, sorry,” Finn said and shook his head. “I’m sorry. I love you so much and I’m just so tired.”</p><p>“Okay.” Poe nodded and pressed another kiss to his hands before getting up and pulling Finn along with him, up and into his arms. “That’s okay, I’ve got you,” he promised and kissed Finn’s temple where he was leaning on Poe. “I’ve got you. You’re so good, Finn.”</p><p>They made him want to cry, those soft words, but he couldn’t. Not yet. They had to walk across the tarmac and into their quarters before Finn could let go of all the tension left in his body. Where Poe would maybe use those warm hands and give him a massage and tell him how good he was. Make his vicious thoughts disappear in the face of Poe’s love, like always.</p><p>Finn was so lost in thoughts and in the warm presence of Poe by his side that he almost flinched when the door to their quarters hissed shut behind them.</p><p>“Sorry,” Poe mumbled as he entered the code to lock it again so they wouldn’t be disturbed. Then he turned back around to Finn and gave him a soft smile. “Welcome home.”</p><p>“Home,” Finn breathed and mirrored Poe’s smile, then stepped in for a kiss. A real kiss. The first kiss in what felt like ages. He whimpered at the feel of Poe’s soft lips, chapped from where he always kept biting it. Poe’s arms wrapped around him and they were the only thing holding him up when Poe deepened the kiss, when his tongue slid across Finn’s bottom lip and asked for more. Finn was pretty sure he whimpered again and sagged a little at the feel of Poe’s tongue against his own, exploring, taking, loving.</p><p>With a swift move, Poe had them turned around and pressed Finn against the closed door so he wouldn’t have to keep him up anymore. The cold metal against his back and Poe’s warm body pressed against his front, Finn couldn’t help but moan. There was no friction, no arousal, no greed. He just felt so good, felt like home again for the first time in weeks, got to kiss Poe any way he wanted again, and he didn’t want to ruin this by crying, so he moaned instead.</p><p>“I love you,” he breathed once they broke apart for air. “So much.”</p><p>Poe nodded, pressed his forehead against Finn’s and took his hand once more. “I know. I love you, too.”</p><p>There it was again. That statement, given so freely, so carelessly, and Finn wanted to protest, to cry, to ask him to repeat it, to kiss him again, to say something, to say nothing. He just. He needed. Something. Anything. Poe.</p><p>“You don’t believe me,” Poe wondered, curious, but he didn’t pull back, and Finn’s arms wrapped around him to keep him where he was.</p><p>There was an underlying panic brooding in Finn, and he didn’t know where it came from, and maybe all he needed was sleep, but he really didn’t feel like panicking right now. There was no reason to panic. He was with Poe now. He was okay. His hands were shaking, and tears were welling in his eyes, and a voice in his head told him he didn’t know who he was even supposed to be in this new-found peace of the Galaxy. But Poe was here. And Poe loved him. And Finn forgot what that meant. He couldn’t remember, not exactly, and he was panicking.</p><p>“Let me show you,” Poe said, asked, begged, wiping a stray tear from Finn’s cheek. “I love you, Finn. You’re <em> good </em>. Better than all of us could ever be. Except maybe Rey, but she’s Rey.” He laughed and pulled Finn, who was still clinging to him, into his arms. “Let me tell you. Let me show you. You’re so good, Finn, the best. Don’t listen to the voices saying otherwise, okay? Listen to me instead. Let me make you feel so good, yeah?”</p><p>Yeah, he wanted that. He wanted to feel good, he wanted Poe close, he <em> wanted Poe </em>. “Please,” he said and let Poe take the lead again.</p><p>“I’ve got you,” Poe whispered and gently pulled him toward their bed, a luxurious double bed with a soft mattress Poe had managed to get some way or another.</p><p>Finn sat down on it and Poe cupped his cheeks to press a firm kiss to his lips again. That made Finn smile and he chased Poe’s lips once the older man retreated, and stole another one. Poe grinned against his lips and leaned in again and so they just kissed for a while. It was good. Finn tried to focus on those kisses, but that seemed to be the wrong thing to do because Poe pulled back again.</p><p>“I will take care of you, promise.”</p><p>Finn only nodded and watched as Poe knelt and let his hands trail down Finn’s legs all the way to his shoes. He opened them slowly but efficiently and pulled them off one after the other, followed by Finn’s socks. </p><p>Poe got up again and pressed another kiss to Finn’s lips before pulling at the hem of Finn’s shirt questioningly. Finn nodded and that was all the invitation Poe needed before he slipped his hands under the shirt and trailed them up his torso until he could pull the shirt off all the way.</p><p>The very moment it was off, Poe was in his lap and wrapped his arms around him, enveloping Finn in his warmth and love, trailing kisses up his shoulder and neck and cheek all the way to his mouth. He stayed there for a while and Finn let him, only registered his own empty hands after a minute or two, and Poe chuckled when he felt Finn wrap his arms around him in return.</p><p>He was starting to feel warm again with Poe in his lap, kissing him, smiling at him.</p><p>“Tell you what I wanna do, Finn,” Poe murmured, gently biting his earlobe and drawing a hum from Finn that didn’t feel quite so detached. “’m gonna make you warm. Take those pants off and make you feel real good while I tell you how much I love you,” a kiss to his neck, “how important you are,” a kiss to his jaw, “to me and the Galaxy at large,” a kiss to his cheek. “And I’m gonna make you believe it. And you’re gonna cry like I know you have to. And it’s gonna be okay, and then you can sleep and tomorrow the sun rises again. Sound good?”</p><p>It did. It sounded so good, almost too good. Finn buried his face against Poe’s neck and didn’t say anything. Poe waited for him, stroked warm hands over his back in a very calming, soothing manner, and Finn found that this was exactly what he wanted. What he needed. No sex. Not now. Later, definitely later, but first he wanted to be warm and safe and loved.</p><p>He shook his head slightly and swallowed. “Can we not have sex right now, please?”</p><p>Poe nodded immediately and didn’t pull back from where he was hugging Finn close. “Of course, my love. What do you need?”</p><p>“You,” Finn said immediately. “Everything you just said. Just. No sex, okay?”</p><p>“Absolutely, babe, whatever you need,” Poe promised and kissed him again. They stayed like that for a while, Poe a comforting presence against his front, every kiss a promise in its own right, and Finn noticed that his hands weren’t shaking anymore.</p><p>At some point after that realisation, Poe lost his own shirt and then pulled off his shoes and pants before he finished undressing Finn. Once they were both only in their underwear, they crawled up the bed and Poe pulled Finn into his arms, head resting on Poe’s warm chest where he could hear his strong, kind heart beating in a steady rhythm.</p><p>“You’re a hero, Finn,” Poe said gently, drawing lazy patterns on Finn’s shoulder. “I don’t think you realise this, actually. Because you might not even really understand what a hero is. But I grew up with heroes all around me and with stories about them. And you are just so much better than any of them, Finn. So much more.”</p><p>He sounded so sincere, like he needed Finn to believe him and to understand what it meant. Finn wasn’t sure he could, but he tried.</p><p>“And I know you’re sometimes overwhelmed with peace,” Poe continued and Finn felt like he’d been slapped. Of course Poe knew! Of course! “That’s okay, because so am I. I talked to Kaydel yesterday and she sat there in the command centre, crying because she still doesn’t know how to sleep through the night. And the day you told us you had the chip that guaranteed our freedom?” Poe huffed and pulled Finn close. “Everyone got shitfaced and there was hysteria everywhere because nobody expected that. And nobody knows what to do with it. Most of us have lost so much in this fight in order to give the Galaxy what it deserves. And we succeeded. But we’re soldiers. We know war better than peace. It’s okay to think about it sometimes and remember the good things. That doesn’t make you a bad person, Finn. And it certainly doesn’t make you any less of a hero.”</p><p>Poe was running his fingers through Finn’s hair, and Finn could feel the tears spilling so he closed his eyes and focused on what Poe had to say. Tried to understand it, to believe it.</p><p>“People are alive because of you. This war is over because of you. Whole families can thrive now and in the future because you are alive, Finn. You’re a hero. Theirs and mine. A miracle. A bug in the system that wanted to bring life, not end it.”</p><p>Poe chuckled wetly and pressed a kiss to Finn’s forehead while Finn just let the tears flow, let the kind words drown out the thoughts in his head.</p><p>“I still don’t believe you’re real sometimes. I wake up in the middle of the night, afraid I made you up, afraid the fight is still going on and that we lost because maybe there’s no Finn after all. But I don’t think there’s any universe where you don’t exist. And I think you’re a hero in all of them. Because that’s what you do. You live and you love and sometimes that’s enough. It certainly was in this universe.”</p><p>Stars. Finn loved this man and his tendency to just say all the words in the Galaxy at once in an effort to make things be okay. He just loved him so much, he wished he could tell him. But all he could do was exist in the moment and cry his eyes out and try not to feel everything at once because he didn’t even know what he was feeling anymore. He could only feel Poe everywhere and he wanted to focus on that.</p><p>After a pause, Poe continued. “And then the other days I can’t believe my lucky stars that they not only brought you into my life the way they did, but that I got to keep you. Right here, right in my arms is where you belong. Not on the battlefield, not stuck in your own head continuing a different war. But here, with me, where you get to be Finn and I get to be Poe and it doesn’t have to mean anything to the rest of the Galaxy.” He placed a finger under Finn’s chin and gently made him look up into those warm, loving eyes. “Where I get to do this,” he said and pressed a kiss against Finn’s lips. The softest one yet, one that made Finn melt into him even more, not caring about his tear-streaked face.</p><p>That part he understood and believed, because that was love. And loving Poe was easy, natural even. So he focused on that and let every other thought die down with a smile.</p><p>“I love you,” he said at last against Poe’s lips, hiccupped, and sniffed. “It’s lame,” he laughed wetly and sniffed, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand. “And I’m disgusting. But I love you, Poe.”</p><p>Poe chuckled and pulled him in to lie on his chest again. “I love you, too. Think that’s been established just now.”</p><p>Finn grinned and settled in, feeling warm all over and exhausted but relieved from the crying. It always made him feel weak, but it was better afterwards. Maybe one day he’d have a healthy relationship with his emotions. And until then, he had Poe.</p><p>“You getting sleepy?” Poe’s soft voice in his ear asked, and Finn nodded. “Want me to get food?”</p><p>Finn shook his head and buried it deeper in Poe’s chest, earning a sweet laugh for his efforts.</p><p>“Okay. Need anything else?”</p><p>“Only you,” Finn said. “And the blanket, maybe.”</p><p>Poe laughed and wiggled so he could free the blanket from under their combined weight. “Whatever you need, Finn, my love. My hero.”</p><p>“Yours,” Finn nodded, feeling warm even before the blanket was draped over him, and felt himself drifting off to sleep while Poe massaged his back in a delicious pain relief. He didn’t deserve this man, but he sure as hell was keeping him. Right here, Poe had said. Where he got to be Finn and Poe got to be Poe and it didn’t have to mean anything more than that.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I dedicate this fic to my dear friend mssrj_335, who's been having a rough few days, and if you wanna brighten up your day and theirs simultaneously, do yourself a favour and check out their countless Finnpoe stories. All of them are amazing and if you like entertainment, I have just given you a map to the treasure that is their online presence.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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